Last Night
by MatroDream
Summary: T&S. Quincest. POV: T **Following the events that take place during the final days of their career
1. Walk Away

Another great performance in the books, I couldn't be happier to see the four walls of the hotel room. A good night's rest was a welcomed luxury seldom had.

The walk back to our room was agonizing. My feet were ready to go on strike.

Sara was at least twenty paces ahead of me. When I got to the room, she was already sprawled on her bed.

"And the other Quin has arrived." I leered at her sarcasm, collapsing on my own bed. "So? What's this 'talk' we're supposed to be having all about?"

I lifted my buried face from the pillow. "Just wanted to see where your head is at. You know, with our careers and lives ending and all."

She rolled the thought around in her mouth. "Maybe yours will, but my life won't be over." She turned her back to me to grab a book from the nightstand. Clearly she didn't want to delve any further into the matter, but I wasn't going to let her off the hook that easy.

"So what are you plans? You gonna buy that dream house you've always talked about? Still gonna move to France?"

"I never said I wanted to move to France; only visit...someday. My 'dream' house already exists-I just have to buy it."

Her irritated tone confirmed what I suspected.

"Am I bothering you, Sara?" I grinned hoping to melt her iciness. Her reply was colder yet.

"No, I want to read."

"You want to read, or you want to avoid having this conversation? Which is it, Sara?" She clenched her jaw, glaring at the pages. "Are you upset, Sara?"

"You know I hate it when you do that."

"Do what, Sara?" My feigned ignorance was the last straw. I only used her name at the end of every question to get a rise out of her and she knew this. And it always worked.

She softly closed the book and walked to the other side of the room. I wasn't done with her yet, though.

"Now that I have your attention—"

"Fuck off, Tegan. You don't get my attention doing shit like that."

I rolled my eyes and started again.

"Now that I have your attention, can we please talk about this like adults?" She scoffed as if I had told her Godzilla was outside rampaging the city.

"Now she wants to talk like an adult." Sara often talked to herself whenever she was mad at me. I guess she thought that closing me off from herself gave her more control. Really it was just one of the many quirks that made me love her that much more.

"C'mon..." I reached for her hand but she snapped it away. I hadn't really taken her tantrum seriously up until that point.

"Tegan! Get off!" I could think of no better way to calm her down than to clamp my arms around her. Ordinarily, she would have screamed her head off in my ear until I couldn't stand it. Fortunately, we were in front of a full-length mirror, forcing her to watch our childish roughhousing. She gave up rather easily, laying her head in my neck once I loosened my grip. I readjusted my chin above her, inadvertently inhaling her hair's springtime scent. It was all that was needed to send my mind into a euphoric haze.

_Stop. Let her go now and walk away, before..._

Sara looked at me in the mirror and smiled. I wanted to do the same but my mouth felt numb for some reason. Instead, I brushed the hair from her face slowly, concentrating on the sensation on my fingertips. She became puzzled by my demeanor, so she lifted herself from my neck to face me. "What is it?" She was still beaming at me, her brow slightly wrinkled.

"I...want you..." My voice trailed off awkwardly. Sara's smile began to fade, watching me closely.

"You want me...for what? To do something?"

I was really hoping that twin telepathy would kick in so I wouldn't have to finish. Suddenly my tongue felt too big for my mouth.

"I—love you." Her face lit up again, grabbing hold of me with all her strength.

"Aww. Love you too, Tee!"

It should have ended there. We could go about our day as usual, immersed in our blissful bond of dysfunctional harmony while we take it for granted. We'd fight and make-up half a dozen times before dinner, a feat admired by onlookers who can only imagine what it's like to taste such bittersweet affection. I'd go to bed tonight anticipating quick shuteye, inevitably disappointed once I'm stuck staring at a black ceiling. Eventually I'd watch Sara's silhouette sleep, all the while convincing myself to leave our bond untainted, untampered by my selfish greed to have more of her—to have _all_ of her.

Yes, it should have ended there.

Once Sara finally released me from her clutch, she leaned back to observe me. Her nose was mere inches from mine, breathing a warmth that actually gave me chills. She cracked a smirk, patiently waiting for me to look away first—I wasn't going to. The prolonged gaze we've been holding in silence began to grate her mind as the realization of what was happening sunk in.

Paranoia bulldozed my nerves. _Are you crazy? She doesn't want you...not like that. How could you betray her trust like this? You are sick. Very sick. You need help. Get away from her. Go now before you ruin everything._

I dug my heels in, ready to cruise backward from her. Every time I was about to move, something kept me in place.

_One more second. Just one more second and then I'll move._

Another second passed and we were still locked to each other. I got ready to step back again.

_One more second. Just one more second and then I'll move._

Sara's eyes were burning right through me. I had been so busy planning my escape that I hadn't noticed her breathing. It was shorter. And heavy. Her focus was on my mouth now, saying all I needed to hear with one look.

With one fluid motion, I leaned into her, watching her eyes fall closed before doing the same. I parted her lips and breathed in deeply. She cupped my jaw while I pulled her waist into me. As we took turns suctioning, I ran my hands tightly along her back. She could sense my craving to touch her skin, ripping off her t-shirt without hesitation. I wanted to take a moment to drink in her body, but she was thirsty for more tongue play. I had to pry her off with force so we could catch a breath.

"Sare—"Even more resistance was needed to separate our magnetized lips. "We should talk about this..."

Sara grinned and pushed herself into me. "There's time for that later." She pulled off my shirt and threw it behind me coyly. I'm sure she could feel my drumming hear, using her hand to guide me toward a bed. Once I toppled on my back, she climbed over me, tracing a finger along my hairline. _Amazing._

I was dying to taste her again, but she seemed content to just stare, a quiet yearning I didn't mind either. Unable to wait any longer, I reached for her cheek to pull her in close. Her skin was so warm, I couldn't help but giggle childishly. She pinched my neck and leaned into my ear.

"I'm ready...are you?" The whispered words made me shiver with excitement. I could only nod, my tongue again swollen with nerves.

She planted a hand on my chest, slowly dragging it down my abdomen. _This is it. Once we go there, there's no turning back._ Her hand was inside my thigh when I grabbed it suddenly. I grimaced at what I was about to say. Tears were crawling down my face before the words could even get out.

"We can't. _I_ can't..." Like flames losing oxygen, her eyes became lifeless pits of emptiness. I instantly regretted everything. I should have known better than to think this would end well, no matter how far we took it. My love for Sara is immeasurable, but somewhere boundaries must be set; the ever-annoying lines must be drawn—and must remain uncrossed.

That's why I can never tell her the truth.

_Stop. Let her go now and walk away, before..._

Sara looked at me in the mirror and smiled. I wanted to do the same but my mouth felt numb for some reason. Instead, I brushed the hair from her face slowly, concentrating on the sensation on my fingertips. She became puzzled by my demeanor, so she lifted herself from my neck to face me. "What is it?" She was still beaming at me, her brow slightly wrinkled.

"I..." Catching my impulsive tongue, I cleared my throat and took a deep breath. "Love you."

"Aww. Love you too, Tee!"

_It's for the best. Remember that._

I let her hold me as long as she wanted, hoping I'd get to my bed in time. I could feel the tears welling up. Released from her vice, I half ran to my bed, shoving my face into the pillow to soak up the moisture. She followed suit, leaping onto her own bed.

We traded rants about the peeves of the day, gradually letting the silence put us to sleep. Doing my usual ceiling stare, I was startled by her voice.

"Tee? You awake?"

"Nope. Fast asleep." Her long pause told me how much she loved my wisecracks.

"I'm cold."

"Are you wearing socks?"

"Yes. And I'm still cold."

"Why are telling me?"

"..."

Sara was never subtle when she wanted something.

"Well? What do you want?" Another long silence pervaded, but I decided to wait it out this time.

"Can you...lay next to me?"

A knot twisted my gut. If only she knew what such a question was doing to me...but how could I refuse?

I peeled off my sheets and walked to her bed. Anxiously hovering over her, I suddenly lost my ability to move. Was I supposed to stay on top of the covers or get underneath them?

"Stop playing around. I said I was cold." She lifted the sheets off of her with a brisk motion. _Am I really gonna do this?_

The opportunity was too juicy to pass up.

I carefully maneuvered into the bed and folded the covers above my shoulders, leaving a spacious gap between us. _This is a safe distance, right?_

Without warning, Sara wiggled her back into me.

My heart was ready to explode.

She pulled my arm around her waist, locking her fingers in mine.

"That's better."

My breathing was painfully shallow but somehow she didn't notice. In only moments, I heard a soft hissing in front of me, grateful that this was easy for at least one of us. My body was still rigid as ever, unable to ignore the addictive aroma from her hair.

Sleep would be a miracle at this point.


	2. Losing It

My mind was dizzy listening to Sara talk in circles. I was only pretending to read my magazine, secretly navigating her labyrinth train of thought over the phone. Surprisingly, a subject popped up that caught my interest.

"There's so much I wanna do and see, I won't allow enough time for a void to form."

Our final tour will be over in a matter of days, yet somehow she stayed so nonchalant about a huge chapter of our lives that was ending.

This didn't sit well with me.

Sara sighed after finishing her call. Her mind seemed wired, habitually picking at her bed sheet fabric.

"Just admit it—you're gonna miss this."

She shot me a feisty glance and continued to pick at the sheets.

"And you're gonna miss hanging out with your sister every day."

She smiled big as ever to mock me.

"AND you're gonna miss touring so much that you'll suffer a nervous breakdown. You'll call me up and beg me to take care of you and I'll be like, 'Nope. You said you wouldn't miss it. Now look at you...muahaahaahaaaa!' Yup. That's exactly how it'll go down."

She rolled over to face the wall. Silent treatment never deterred me, so I leaped on her bed, nearly knocking her off.

"Okay, fine." She could contain her irritation no more.

"Just say it." My sly grin was one of the fruitful ingredients to getting Sara to bend.

She waved her hand vigorously as the words bubbled out.

"Why do I even need to? It's not like you don't know."

She sat up on the edge of the bed. I awkwardly followed but she was across the room before my feet touched the floor.

"Why are you so bothered, Sare? I wanna know how you feel about this."

"Why?" The disgust in her voice alarmed me.

"...It's important to me."

She turned around and stared through me. Even our normal fussing didn't feel this tense. I nervously grinned with my hand extended, relieved when she accepted the offer. I cupped both hands around one of hers as she sat down next to me.

"This is hard for me. I make jokes all the time, but that's just because I'm trying to hide it. It seems silly when I talk to other people about it. That's why I need my sister."

Her smile was the bandaid I had been waiting for. Not just any smile—the one that grows from boundless elation—one only meant for me.

"I've been avoiding it...I don't wanna think about it, what'll come after..." Her voice trailed off, her gaze just as distant.

I was getting my first glimpse of her post-tour grief. I suddenly felt guilty for prodding it out of her.

While stroking her hand mercifully, Sara flipped her hair clear to kiss my forehead, abruptly walking away to the sofa. I knew not to follow, hopping back over to my bed. Staring at the ceiling, all I could think about was last night. How she asked me to lay with her, how we cuddled, how she wanted my arm around her..._What you do to me_...

"Tee?" I twitched my head violently.

"Yeah?"

"Come'ere a sec." _Of all the times 'twin power' to work, please don't let it be now._ I dragged my feet to the sofa, letting Sara ease into view. Why I relaxed only when I saw her nose in a book was baffling. _You're losing it._

"Have you read this? It's really good. Come take a look."

It didn't matter what she was reading as my nerves were too frayed at the moment to concentrate; plus she'd just end up reading it to me anyway like she always does. Today, however, I was quite happy to listen. Maybe taking our minds off of my earlier callousness was what we needed.

I watched as Sara fought the breeze ruffling her hair. We hadn't said much while walking through town, only pointing out to each other interesting observations. The superficiality was starting to grate, so I felt compelled to risk the emotional mine field.

"Feels great out here, doesn't it, Tee?"

I painted a smirk and let her words tumble off in the wind.

"So, can we talk like we did earlier? I feel like we just let it die off too soon."

Sara fixed her hair again, annoyed at how tedious the job was. I knew my question only made it worse.

"Do we have to?"

"No, but I'd like it if you tried."

"I did."

"Barely."

She clenched her jaw before barking a response.

"Fine."

We found a scenic park with a bench overlooking it on a hill. I got comfortable but Sara was determined to stand. I felt awkward and decided to stand next to her. We listened to the breeze hissing through leaves for a good while before the strain of our muteness was acknowledged. It was up to me to clear the air.

"For some reason—call me naive—I thought we'd be doing this until we were senile in diapers using walkers."

She looked amused so I was off to a good start.

"Hell, I'm sure we both believed we wouldn't get our music gig off the ground. Life has a sense of humor. Fortunately or unfortunately, I'm not sure...but I've enjoyed laughing at us with you."

I finally tore my eyes off the landscape to peak at her. She was wearing a brave mask but I could see moisture glittering. I reached around her shoulder to pull her next to me. She wrapped an arm around my waist and exhaled sharply.

"I don't know how to handle this, Sare." I bit my lip in anguish once the streams started leaking. Sara wiped my face a few times but it was useless.

"I knew this time would eventually come—I _knew_ that. I didn't think it would be this hard."

"All we can do is relish the time we have left."

I was expecting her words to sooth me when all they did was sting. Surely she had better advice than that. The silence that followed screeched like nails on a chalkboard.

"That's it? 'Relish the time we have left'?"

"Well, what else is there to say?"

I dislodged myself from her and started down the hill.

_Why do I even bother._

"Tegan..."

I nearly tripped several times, throwing my weight into each step like a bad jogging imitation. The shuffling feet behind me grew louder until a hand whipped me around.

"_You_ wanted to talk, remember?" She was especially annoying when she was right. I turned to face her but kept staring at my shoes.

"Look at me." I scowled when she grabbed my face, stunned by the cool touch. She giggled impishly when I finally surrendered. I could never be mad at that smile for long.

We hiked back up the hill, arms clasped, letting the hissing trees do the talking for a while. We needed to catch our breath at the top anyway.

Sara wanted to sit down this time, probably more out of necessity than novelty. I rested on her shoulder after we snickered at each other's pitiful physique.

The sun was setting but our shot at watching the splendor was cramped by the overcast. Rumbling and flashes in the distance warned us to get back to the hotel. Sara brushed my hand lightly when I tried to stand up.

"Just a few more minutes."

Our walk back was as peaceful as our nature watch over the park, neither of us willing to disturb the quietude. I was surprised at my disappointment to be in the room again, as I never shunned opportunities to catch a quick nap. We had forty-five minutes before rehearsal so I wouldn't waste my chance now.

Sara plopped on the sofa and delved into her book as if she had never left it. I pulled off my jacket, watching as she suddenly leered at the wall in front of her and slapped the book shut. She fumbled to her knees and leaned over the sofa, tilting her head at me.

"What?"

"I was just thinking...what we've been talking about."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Maybe it doesn't have to be over. Maybe it doesn't end, we just start fresh and new and clean."

Then it hit me. As she babbled on a quest of persuasion, my mind switched stations, a radio tuning into the unwelcomed epiphany. Suddenly every glare was justified, all the hostility, unwarranted resistance to my mentioning of our career's funeral made sense.

_She's in denial._ We had never discussed our individual plans—what we'd do after 'Tegan and Sara' were no more—though we've known about our retirement for a year. I had made plenty of attempts to bring up the matter but she always seemed uncomfortable when I breathed a word of it. Just before the one week countdown, I had imagined how we'd spend all our time. Each day celebrated like it were the last, living well beyond our means that we'd surely regret later while we got drunk off nostalgia. Of course, reality had its ways of keeping me in check.

I briefly came back to Earth, Sara oblivious to my inattention. Her mouth moving so fast, so mesmeric that I caught myself fixating for too long. Her voice faded into the background and I was gone again.

_Look at you...so adorable when you're chatty. Your hair looked good today...shit, who am I kidding? It looks good every day. Wish you'd take that jacket off. Is it too cold in here for you? Maybe it will be tonight so you'll want me to keep you warm again. I'd like that. I'd like that a LOT._

"I'd like that too." She was biting her lip with such allure, it made me quake.

"How did you...?" She hushed my confusion away while stripping her jacket free.

"If this is what you wanted, all you had to do was ask."

I blinked and she was kneeling over my lap, unfastening my jeans. Her hand was in my underwear before I could finish digesting the initial shock. I dug my fingers into the bed as the excitement showered over me, unable to restrain a timid gasp. The pulsating thrusts had consumed my consciousness as I knew death would surely be upon us. To be buried in a grave so sweet was frighteningly satisfying—I had to get out of it.

"Did you hear me?"

"What?" I rubbed my eyes once over to feign fatigue.

"I was just thinking...what we've been talking about."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Maybe it doesn't have to be over. Maybe it doesn't end, we just start fresh and new and clean." Sara rolled her eyes and scoffed.

"Such a silly thing to say, isn't it?" She dropped herself in the sofa and reopened her book.

So uncanny, knowing someone for this long. You learn to spot the little hints that give them away. I often wondered if she was aware that I spoke her language.

_She's in denial—what if I am too?_


	3. Please Stay

The venue was nearly cleared out while I waited on the corner of the stage for Sara. She became a ray of light when she was with Stacy; watching them be so smitten made me a black cloud stifling a rain of envy. I had to turn away when I sensed a hug on the horizon. A hardy laugh from Stacy signaled her departure as quiet steps crept up on me.

"What's up with you?"

I took a deep breath before facing my sister. It wasn't nearly enough, but it would have to do to keep the mask intact.

"Nothing...just getting sleepy."

"Aww! I thought we were all going out for drinks tonight!"

"We still are—I told the boys I'd text them once we wrapped things up."

I smirked at the relief washing her face.

"Don't worry—your drinking buddies aren't going anywhere. I know how much you look forward to having company for a change."

She pursed her lips in her usual adorable fashion, smashing a fist in my arm when I failed to contain a chuckle.

"I love you, too."

We wrestled each other into headlocks the whole way to an exit, assuming our age again once we got outside. I wasn't sure if my shiver was from the cold or being released from Sara's embrace. No jacket could mimic such warmth.

"So, I'll call you when I'm ready?"

She acknowledged my nod before zipping down the sidewalk. A lone figure leaned against a car was idle across the way watching her every move. I stood frozen in wonder—why Sara would approach a stranger rather than a cab. A passing headlight revealed a white coat and silver sedan and I found myself making another awkward side glance to avoid Sara's PDA with Stacy.

Hands crammed in my jean pockets, I started in the opposite direction, trying not to picture my sister with her girlfriend. _How come you don't want me?_ I laughed at how relevant the words were at the moment, remembering when the song was written.

"She sounds kinda bitchy." Sara scoffed at my remark.

"I think the emotion is justified. Just try being in her shoes."

I dropped my eyes to my lap. _That shouldn't be too hard._

"I guess I'm still adjusting to the bluntness of this album. There's no beating around the bush at all...I like that though."

I pretended to scribble on a notebook, waiting for a response that never came. She was fixated on her laptop screen, re-reading each lyric with poise—a divine opportunity to admire her.

You'd think with so many years of pining after something you can't have, logic would tell you to give up—let go. Yet, I keep holding on, holding out for a sign of some sort. Maybe she'll catch me staring at her a little too long and won't look away. Or maybe she'll get a burst of nostalgia and discover while listening to past albums all the songs I wrote about her. More than anything, though, I just hoped that she'd wake up one morning and suddenly realize the love of her life is someone she shares DNA with—_no. What the fuck are you saying?_

All these thoughts haunt me as I look at her, beautifully unaware of the violent turbulence sitting a few feet away.

She finally glances up from the screen to check on me.

"Tegan, where are you?" She knew my daydreaming eyes well. Though the question was out of mockery, I couldn't help the sentiment that laced my voice.

"With you."

I had just finished changing my clothes when Sara called.

"Hey, we're heading to the bar now. You still coming?"

"_We?" She's going too...of course she is._

"...Yeah. Putting on my shoes as we speak."

"The guys are on their way, so get moving. I don't want them to be hammered before we even get there."

"Sure thing, Sasa." She huffed at the name; I couldn't resist the cheap jab.

My nostrils were assaulted by a musty odor upon entering the bar. I scanned the dimly lit space for familiar faces with no luck. A slender figure in a white coat caught my eye, her arms around a smaller frame. They were standing at a table occupied by three men, recognizable only as I got closer. Ted was the first to acknowledge me, prompting the rest to do the same.

"So, what are we having?" An odd silence followed after me, drawing blank glances all around.

"...What? Am I interrupting something?"

"We're actually gonna call it a night, Tegan." Ted stood up apprehensively with the others, continuing an awkward exchange of looks.

"But—I didn't take that long to get here, did I? What's the rush?"

Suddenly all eyes fell on Sara and I could only frown in confusion. Stacy pecked her on the cheek, whispering a brief message before following the guys out of the bar. I breathed a phony laugh, my ego slightly bruised.

"Can you believe that? Who knew I was such the superior human repellent?"

"Relax, okay? I—it was me. I asked them to leave."

She motioned a hand toward a chair, which I slowly warmed up to as a thought dawned on me: _she wants me all to herself._ I fought to remain composed at such a tantalizing notion, fidgeting in my seat while waiting for Sara to order drinks. A certain thrill was bubbling in my chest, not unlike a giddy child anticipating gifts on Christmas morning.

She handed me a glass and took a sip from her own before getting comfortable. An eerie silence ensued as we held eye contact a few seconds. She looked away first as always but I stayed glued on her.

"You're wondering why we're here, I guess...alone." She was unusually reserved . For a split second, I felt it happening—the moment I had been replaying a thousand times. Her glazy eyes falling into mine, I held my breath watching for her mouth to open again.

It struck me as odd that she would go through the trouble of planning happy hour only to back out at the last minute. This led me to believe that something unexpected had come up, something so important it couldn't wait.

I felt a cleaver butchering my gut when the reason started with an 'S' and ended with a "why".

"I'm sure she's just having a hard time with the distance," the best reply I could muster only after chugging half my glass.

"I know I'm being irrational right now...but I'm worried. What if this is too much for her?" I fixed an expression that I hoped was pleasant, cupping the petite hands laying folded across the table.

"Stop. You're being paranoid for nothing. What have I told you about playing the 'what if' game?"

"It'll drive you mad. I know."

"You're shaking—you need to breathe, Sare." She closed her eyes and inhaled while I unconsciously did the same. Neither of us were prepared to open them any time soon; Sara being nursed back into balance by my advice while I basked in our rare—though innocent—intimacy. It was the heavy thumping of boots which stopped in front of us, accompanied by a raspy voice that disrupted my dreamy state.

"I'm sorry to bother you ladies but..." He fished around the bar for wandering looks before lowering his tone.

"...gotta ask you to leave." He turned his lip up at our woven hands as if they reeked of a foul stench. We immediately untied them, trading glares of outrage.

"You must be mistaken—" My voice was drowned out by Sara's, who flew to her feet so fast, her chair buckled behind her.

"What the fuck's the matter with you?!" She's my SISTER!"

"Oh—oh! I—I thought—you two just looked like..."

"Go on, say it! What do we look like?!"

"Sara, he didn't know..." I was briefly amused by the tiny woman challenging the six-foot-and-then-some body towering over her, but the feeling evaporated once I caught a glimpse of the piercing stares in every direction. Instinctively, I wedged myself between the warring parties, needing all my strength to guide her out the bar's entrance. She yanked my arms from around her clumsily, almost toppling to the sidewalk. Pacing frantically in the street, she muttered countless obscenities under her breath. When she finally stood in one place more than a few seconds, I figured the worst of the storm had passed.

"Let's—get out of here...where ever you're staying." I was a little surprised by the request, already prepared to send her off in a cab to the separate hotel she was staying at. We had stopped sharing rooms months ago "to give each other space to think", whatever she meant by that. As of late, it seemed she missed the company enough to "oversleep" in my room, or I'd do the same in hers. I'd been too afraid to ever joke about it for fear of killing the ruse.

"Where's the damn corkscrew..." Sara was shuffling through all the drawers in the kitchen chaotically; I rescued her by finding it behind piled up grocery bags. She was clearly still shaken up by the bar spat, even though she denied it. I snatched the wine bottle and baited her to sit with me on the sofa.

"Not opening this until you talk." She rolled her eyes at the demand, not bothering an attempt to steal back the bottle.

"I can't believe he thought—" _I can._

"It was an honest mistake."

"Since when is homophobia 'an honest mistake'?! He thought we were a couple—_together._" _I wish you wouldn't say it like that..._

"I mean, how fucking blind do you have to be to not see we look the same?"

"But, Sare, the place was pretty dark—"

"Seriously? You're defending that pig right now?" She marched to the bathroom as I cringed at the anticipated door slam. Instead, I peeked up from my low gaze to find her slouched above the sink in tears.

"Sare, please come back." She shrugged off my beckons at first, but she changed her mind after drying her eyes in a towel. I invited her with an outstretched arm which she snubbed by dropping on the cushion next to me.

I swiveled around to her, carefully inspecting the battered soul before me: a pain unrecognizable from the past marred her face; I wanted to cry for her, drained out all the venom that was poisoning her, whatever it took to erase this frightening painting.

"He was wrong for that, I know. We've dealt with plenty of pigheaded bigots...why all of a sudden the urge to pick a fight, with an ogre no less? It's so unlike you..." She remained unresponsive , curled in a fetal position.

Five minutes came and went in dire silence, then ten, fifteen, twenty...

I reluctantly surrendered to the fact that she had drifted off, though I couldn't be certain with her head pressed into the opposite sofa arm. Finally exhausted by the stand-off, I made my way to a bed. I peeled off my shoes and shut my eyes for a moment when a hand tapped my shoulder. I must have dozed off because Sara was lifting me upright next to her.

"You'll hurt yourself sleeping like that." My vision refocused and I was greeted by the smile that made me weak. She pulled me into her, nuzzling into my arm affectionately.

"I'm sorry, Tee."

I patted her hair in acceptance, unwilling to fight the fatigue encompassing my voice. She gave a light shove that I allowed to collapse my body on the bed. I expected to feel her weight vanish but she followed in close, feeling her breath while I pretended to snore. _Please stay._

_Any minute now..._she was still watching me 'sleep', I was sure; I could practically feel her eyes graze my skin like fingers would. My stomach ached at the thought of her leaving too soon, steading my mind into submission until a whisper nearly unhinged my disguise.

"You're so beautiful, I hope you know that." I was ready to deliver a snarky remark but she continued with hardly a pause.

_Doesn't she realize I'm awake?_

"I used to be so jealous of your confidence, your edge, that irresistible charisma you ooze from every pore..." My stomach was doing gymnastics now, fully aware of the words unmeant for my ears. I prayed that my 'snoring' remained conceivable.

"...Then it occurred to me that everything I love about you is because you're everything I'm not. I'll never be all those things—I mean, maybe one day, but—there's not a moment that I look at you and not think 'She's amazing. How lucky I am to be her sister.' I wouldn't want to be bound to anyone else for life, as morbid as that sounds...to be 'bound' to someone."

She heaved a deep breath and I could hear a discernible quiver begin afterward, much like earlier when she had cried over the bathroom sink.

Her voice cracked upon execution of what remained to be said.

"...It's you, Tegan. It'll always be you. It's torn me up all this time, not being able to say it—so I'm doing it now—like a coward. Not yet...not ready."

Her body was pressed against my chest as the sobs in my throat slowly choked the life from me. A soft pair of lips interrupted my quiet battle, as if they sensed the turmoil stirring beneath.

As the bed emptied beside me, I patiently waited for the front door to shut so I could wail myself sleep.


	4. Just Breathe

_A/N: Three more chapters left...not sure when I'll update again. Thanks for reading!_

* * *

The soft hiss that had me in a trance was slowly morphing into thunderous cries of ecstasy.

"Do you like that?"

"Mmmm...yeah, keep going." I was being more cautious than she liked, paranoid that I'd somehow snap her in half like a twig. She stayed patient with me though, always reassuring whenever I checked on her.

We were keeping time, my thrusts with her breaths as she dug her nails into my shoulder with one hand and held my hair with the other.

"Don't be—so gentle," she managed to say between gasps. Loosely mounted on my lap, I pushed the small of her back to bring her closer, our chests now pressed together. She released my hair and locked her arms around my neck, hovering near my lips a minute before entering my mouth. While the tongue dance sent vibrations through every limb, a sharp tingling sensation began to steal my focus from below.

"Oh—Tee. I want more." I joined another finger with the two already probing her drenched cavity, sucking my bottom lip as I felt her muscles contract around them. She teased my pulsating flesh with her own finger, tracing the tip in the shape of an 'S'. I heaved my head back when a zap of delight shot up my spine. Squeezing her body in tighter, my panting grew heavier that matched my lover's as we shifted ourselves against each other unevenly. Our sweat coating was permeating the room, both of us high off the scent.

Breaking from a deep, sensual kiss she lifted my jaw up with both hands to study my expression in awe. For a while we held our fixated gaze, allowing our breathing to calm into a hush. Our eyes spoke for us everything that we had been too afraid to say up until now. There was no need to spill our guts with flowery soliloquies; all of the pent-up overflowing desire was quenched with just one look.

_I know you feel it too._

I could withstand the temptation no longer, divorcing the thirst with an amorous embrace. She pulled in my hot breath forcefully while I revved up my fingers inside of her, whining at the loud, moist friction.

"Shit...umphmm. What you do to me, Tee—"

She shoved me on my back and started attacking my neck with quick bites. I answered by jamming my soaked hand full force, awakening a string of hurried moans. As I felt the sweaty fever growing in my palm, I clinched my eyes to hers until the surging currents set our bodies on fire.

I met the morning with unease. Sleep hadn't found me well, fighting for tiny doses throughout the night. My hollow stare at the ceiling helped me recollect the dream fragments while they were fresh.

_Damn. So good._

I suddenly realized there was sticky fluid in my shorts, slipping my hand underneath to assess the amount.

_Really good...heh heh._

It was the first fantasy of my sister that I hadn't been awake for, recalling my most memorable head trips that were dwarfed by this one. The flight on Cloud Nine was soon ambushed by an image—laying in bed, Sara resting on my chest, whispered words unknowingly heard...

_It's always been you, Tegan. It'll always be you._

I snapped my head sideways to bury my face into the pillow. My efforts were desperate to suffocate the echo.

_Not yet...not ready._

There it was, the precious gem I had been hunting for eons, dropped in my lap from the heavens. Yet, I could only lay lifeless and numb as it slipped through my fingers.

_Why didn't you say something?!_

Sara's voice swam louder still.

_Not yet...not ready._

So many questions I had for her made me ache. Why wasn't she ready? How long had she been hiding her feelings? Why did she hide them at all? There were obvious replies that I could imagine but they weren't satisfying. I needed to hear it from her.

I dropped my soiled shorts to the floor and yanked off my tank top. A hot shower was just the remedy for my crowded mind.

I prepared a small bowl of fruit while skimming through emails on my phone. Clenching my teeth, I dreaded finding a message from Sara waiting for me.

_She doesn't know you know, remember?_

I exhaled in relief at the awareness, but the lump in my throat quickly returned. We would see each other later at the airport and I would have to lie—feigning ignorance of the greatest moment of my life.

_You're crazy._ Surely I'd only manage to keep up a facade for a minute or two before breaking down hysterically.

"I heard you..."

"Hmm?"

"...Last night...when—you thought I was—I heard everything."

I could already see the expression on her face, being both mortified and—I hoped—relieved. To not have to hide from her anymore, it was enough for me to ignore all reason and just come clean—_I heard everything_...but something was holding her back, why she wouldn't just tell me how she felt. As much as it killed me to wait anymore, I was willing to trust her rationale. _Not yet...not ready._

The swarm of bodies buzzing around the airport made me nervous. It was unusual but I excused it for the fact that I wasn't breathing right. My eyes flittered everywhere in search of Sara, expecting to see her sitting at a coffee shop. When she wasn't at any of them, I checked my ticket again to see which terminal to go to—I kept forgetting no matter how many times I looked.

My phone vibrated in my pocket. I held my breath when I saw it was a text from Sara.

_Are you close?_

I fumbled a response quickly even though I could see her in the distance.

_Yeah. Be there in a few._

Her back was to me when I approached. She was sitting with a cup in her hand while looking at her phone. I froze a few feet away, wanting to gather whatever nerves I had left. _You can do this. Just breathe._

I filled my chest with the colorful airport smells and gripped my carry-on bag handle tight.

Sara was beaming at me when I circled around to where she sat.

"Hey!" She stood up to take my bag from me and rolled it next to hers.

"You want some of my coffee? Really tasty." Already I could tell she was acting different—more cordial, less uptight.

"You seem...pleasant this morning," I said with hesitation. All of my words felt forced.

"I slept well. How 'bout you?" My mind flashed a memory of the dark hotel room where I had been curled up under sheets and pillows, writhing with cold shivers and body aches.

"Um, yeah. Great." There was no way I'd ruin her mood.

We sat quietly after such a brief exchange, each of us taking turns sipping the coffee and giving odd glances when the other wasn't watching.

"Tegan..." The tone in her voice made me flinch. I stalled as long as possible before I faced her.

"You done with that?" She motioned at the cup I had indented and I sighed with a grin.

"Yeah. Here."

We were going to be stuck here for at least another hour with our flight being delayed. When we got the chance, we'd fly home to relax in familiar surroundings, even now with our tour nearly over. This R&R was especially a priority, as we agreed that we wanted our final performance to be the absolute best. In mere days we would be walking away from it all; still, she avoided the subject relentlessly.

I dug out every excuse for small talk but Sara kept letting it die off, despite her initial gregariousness—anything to ward off the unbearable tension. At one point I caught her staring at me, shyly looking away when I smiled back.

I guess the pressure got to her too because she finally wanted to talk about something other than the bad hair and cheap cologne passing us by.

"Remember that show in Houston when a drunk guy tried to get on stage to give me his number?"

"Pssssh...hard to erase that image from my head. You looked freaking terrified."

"Makes my skin crawl just thinking of him..."

"Wait—so why are you thinking about him?"

"Oh, I was just reminiscing all the craziness we've dealt with over the years. And all the good moments—great moments—all the smiles and laughs, fights and tears..."

"So what's your favorite moment?"

"C'mon, Tee. Can you really pick just one?"

Just like that, I had forgotten about the pit in my stomach that had been there since I had entered the airport. We joked for the first time in what seemed like forever. Our stories were pouring out one after another with our loud chatter occasionally raising eyebrows around us. Sara's phone interrupted the joyride down memory lane.

"Hello? Hey, babe." I turned away to hide the frown I couldn't help.

"Yeah, it's delayed...that'd be great! Okay...bye." Her goofy grin was unwelcome; it only meant one thing.

"Stacy said she's gonna swing by before we leave."

"Cool."

"Is it really? Or are you just saying that?"

"Sara, it's fine. You're an adult. You can do what you want."

"I sense that something's bothering you—" I hopped to my feet abruptly, not waiting to hear the rest.

"Look, um..." It was on the edge of my lips. All I had to do was be brave. _Say it._

"Um, there's something—that, um.." Sara was ignoring me now in favor of the woman fast approaching. By reflex, I pretended to check my phone while the couple hugged each other.

"Hi, Tegan!" Stacy's voice was a screech in my ears no matter how soft it was.

"Hey."

"We're gonna get more coffee. You coming?" Sara looked eager for my response but I was feeling drained in their presence already.

"Nah, I think I'll chill out here."

I couldn't be sure how long they were gone. Drowsiness started taking hold of me and I was tempted to give in before thinking how upset Sara would be if our bags got stolen. I postured up in my seat in frustration, fighting to stay alert.

A soft brush of a hand on my neck startled me.

"Tee, here. You look like you need it more than I do." Sara handed me the hot caffeine and I sipped it reluctantly, not having a taste for the stuff. As she found a spot next to me, I quickly noticed she was alone.

"Stacy in the bathroom?"

"Uh, no...she couldn't stay. Our flight's leaving in a bit anyway so..." Her shifty eyes made lying impossible.

"We still have probably a half an hour, maybe more."

"Well, um...she's a busy person...very busy. So many things to do."

"Yet she managed to get here, aaaaaall the way to the airport only to see you, for what—ten minutes?"

"She was in the, um, neighborhood...yeah."

I giggled half-heartedly and watched a few travelers pass by before speaking again.

"Alright. What's up, Sare?"

"Hmm? ...What?" She was preoccupied with her phone. I lowered my head and leaned in closer to her.

"Sara." She peeked up at me innocently, putting her phone down when she saw my stern face.

"I uh...wanted to know..."

"...Yes?"

"I kind of joked the other day about us—um, about not ending this—the band. The truth is, I never wanted it to be over. Just thought I'd remind you that it was your idea."

"And you agreed..."

"I did, yes but...only because it was what you wanted."

"So...where's this going..."

"Um, so I wanted to know if...there was any chance you'd change your mind...maybe having doubts?"

"But Sare, I mean—don't you want to, like, start a family? Start a life with...Stacy?"

"Well..." A part of me loved that she hesitated. I was never fully convinced that she was serious about the girl. Sure, they looked like any other couple when they were near each other, when they touched each other—but there was something off. At least I finally knew why.

"We're not getting any younger, Sare." I could tell that I hurt her with the truth, but I couldn't console her—not the way I wanted to.

"I think this is the best time to get a shot at a semi-normal life, even after all we've gone through. We have so much to be proud of. There's no need to be greedy."

"It's not about greed, I just...what if—"

"No, stop right there. No 'what if-ing'."

"No, really, Tegan. What if this—is this all I have? Is this all I'll ever be? What am I without our band? Who am I...without you?"

The overwhelming astonishment coursing through my veins had me ready to burst into tears. I couldn't fathom how my sister honestly felt this way, someone I had always seen as the more durable twin.

"You're scared...that makes two of us."

She reached for my hand but I pulled away. I patted her leg awkwardly before standing up to stretch.

"You'll be alright, Sare. I bet you'll find the new freedom you're gonna have is exactly what you need."

She was staring at her shoes, hunched over her lap. It now seemed as good a time as any to dive into the deep end.

I sat back down in a seat directly beside her and grabbed her shoulder gently.

"And uh, anyways, it'll do you some good to finally get away from me."

Her eyes looked up into mine, wide with confusion.

"Why would I want to do that? I love you." She quickly tore her focus from me as if the words had slipped out by accident. I moved my hand off of her when I sensed her embarrassment. It shouldn't have flustered a sibling so much to express affection, yet she seemed shocked by the act. I could only sit quietly—like my tongue, my hands were tied.

Now Sara was up stretching while I slouched in my chair. She paced back and forth in front of me a few times before sitting again. Eventually I had to break the silence.

"Hey...you know you can talk to me—right?"

She shot me a heavy smile. "Sure."

"I mean it...anytime—anything you want to talk about. Whenever you're ready—"

My heart sunk. Her gaze was frozen on me for an eternity, it seemed. She _knew_—or, at least she had to suspect. I was paralyzed, unable to break away first. Luckily I didn't have to as Sara walked over to our carry-ons and fiddled with a side pocket on hers.

"We should get going."

I grabbed my bag and followed her toward the gate.

We were strangers to each other for the entire flight.


End file.
